I am the mom of an intersex child.
And probably one in every thousand moms you see are as well.
My daughter's condition had her taken from me at birth, and put through four days of testing before they could even tell me whether I'd had a boy or girl.
And you know what they told me? That she was in fact, neither. Or both. That I, along with her father, would have to 'assign' her gender.
I will go into more details on all the medical facts as I hopefully get this blog rolling.
My reason for starting this is to hopefully create some debate, and to share this information non-anonymously with people that I am certain will love and accept her regardless, and anonymously with....well...the rest of the world.
We have a great deal of friends and family who are perfectly aware of everything about our lives, but it makes me sad that this 'condition' is attached with such stigma (whether religious, or fear based....or...something else?)
If my child was born with down syndrome, or diabetes, or any other lifelong condition, I would be able to share very openly all my thoughts and fears and hopes...but instead, she has gone through so much! And instead, I have to very cautiously share information either vaguely, with a select few, or not at all.
Not fair! When I had to have her go 'under the knife' at 6 weeks, to remove her 'ovaries', only a handful of people knew. When she had to have her heart repeatedly tested for abnormalities, again....I could only share my fear with my closest friends and family. (Thank goodness, her heart is perfect!) Knowing that she will need to endure painful surgeries at puberty, because regardless of whether we chose 'correctly', she will need these? That most likely she will be forced to take growth hormone shots daily within the next few years, and hormones for her entire adult life? And that at a certain point SHE will be put in the horrible position of knowing who she can trust with all of this?
Whenever I hear people debate over anything relating to gay rights, marriage, etc, I'm glad that the road is being paved to make her life easier, but I just want to scream at people who feel that being gay is somehow a choice, or that "God" would not accept people who are. I am not religious. And I know that not everyone who is thinks that being gay is wrong. But to those who do.....what about MY child? What if she decides that she likes women? Or what if she decides that she was meant to be a boy and decides she likes men?
She has both male and female chromosomes....so does "God" grant her a free pass to be gay? Or is she just an abomination to you, and her fate determined at the point of conception? I have to say, if it weren't for religion, I think her life would have a much better chance of going on unhindered.
Alright....time to get dressed and hang out with the coolest little person I know!
I love, love, love it! I totally agree with EVERYTHING you wrote. From the bottom of my heart, you know I feel your pain (or maybe concern, worry or fear are better words). xoxo.
ReplyDelete-Ashley
I love you Leslie. You and Erik are phenomonal parents and genuinely- i believe your intellect and passion thru love will help pave the way to a less binary culture and one that is inclusive based on breaking out of our standard categories and begins instead to define healthy versus unhealthy.
ReplyDeleteNot " is it a boy or girl" but "is your baby healthy?" "What fun things does (insert name not pronoun here) have you discovered about your new baby" etc.
I believe that someday our culture can provide a reason to be a first world nation and begin progressing as a culture that cares instead of a culture that forces and indulges in exclusion and behaviors that limit one's right to love their body and their identity pieces just as they fall into place- organically.
love you Leslie!
we love eliot, eric, and you!!!!!!!!! from the moment we laid eyes on the little peanut we've been in love and can only hope to be the kind of parents you two are! all children should be surrounded with the love that you give to eliot & this blog is another testament to your support...which will be more important to her than anything else as she grows up! i got goosebumps when i read the blog about the mom whose son wanted to be daphne for halloween, and the same thing happened when i read urs :) we need more people to take a stand and educate those around us (and wherever) who remain ignorant. thank you for being one person to take a stand! we love you!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI JUST had a dream about you guys two days ago. I dreamt it was the future and you were telling me how you had told Eliot about her condition. I woke up, remembering every detail like it had really happened, and for the rest of the morning thought about how I would sit down and tell my child when the time came.
ReplyDeleteI recently read on a comment on a blog that the word "abomination" in the old testament (also the Koran and Torah) was actually translated wrong. The correct word for it is "taboo" and the word was only used to DIFFERENTIATE between tribes that had homosexual ritualistic relations and the tribes that didn't.
so in other words, the bible is actually saying "what is good for you may not be good for me."
NOT "what you are doing is wrong."
When will the close minded religious realize that it's not up to them to make decisions on how other ppl live their lives?
i am hopeful because i KNOW that by the time Eliot is ready to make decisions by herself, it will be a lot easier than it is now. It can only get better from here. And if, in fact, she is gay, she will never know of a life where gay people could not get married or had normal human rights stripped of them. It's right around the corner.
It's fantastic that you're being so proactive about everything. The fact that you're already thinking about these things and planning for them shows how great of a parent you are, and how much you love Eliot. I'm sure it's a difficult situation to try and do what's best for your child when you're not sure what the best thing is, but at least your heart is in the right place.
ReplyDeleteYou might not always have all the answers, or even understand what she's going through, but being there for Eliot is the greatest thing you can do as a mother. Being open to anything she might come to you with is going to be the biggest thing, as well as listening to concerns- even if you're not sure how to help.
There are going to be times where Eliot feels like she's the only person in the world who is dealing with these issues, and that's probably going to be the hardest part. Make sure she knows that you understand the difficult things she's dealing with, but never tell her that you know how she feels (because you can't!).
Surround her with love, understanding, and most of all- never try to make her be anything she's not. I can already tell that you never would, and that's the most important thing you can do. I can promise you that she will grow up to be a great person with parents like you and Eric. I can feel the love. :)
I cried when i read your blog because I went through the same experience. My baby has both male and female characteristics. We rear him as a male though. I know how difficult it is. Everything that you write here, every thoughts is the same questions I am having.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you stuumbled on this, I was hoping that it would be found by other people going through the same thing :)
ReplyDelete-Leslie
it has been a long time sense i have commented on your blog!
ReplyDeletewe have had so many more great times together!
girlfriend is growing physicaly and mentaly and her personality is so vibrant.
my father was telling me about a conversation he had with some people that he works with about gay marrige, that has been passed yayyy!!!!!!!!!!, my father backed up the subject and i also brought up another piont he could have mentioned and it was eliots life. he is aware of everything eliot has been through and will/may have to go throough in the future, it never crossed his mind to mention this because i dont think he thought of that side of her life yet because she is still so young. having 1 more person aware and able to share this with others is 1 more step in the right direction. the world has become more open to gay marrage, now lets hope people become more aware of the genetic side behind it and the possiblities of others conditions.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! <3 michelle